Ugueth Urbina Liberation Front

UGUETH URBINA FOUND GUILTY, SENTENCED TO 14 YEARS IN JAIL

It’s official: Ugueth Urbina has entered the Mumia Abu Jamal Zone. No matter. As Bud Selig is our witness, the struggle continues…


About The Ugueth Urbina Liberation Front

On October 16, 2005, Ugueth Urbina ALLEGEDLY attacked the farmhands of his Venezuela ranch after he found them bathing in his swimming pool without permission. He ALLEGEDLY tried to hack them up with a machete, pour gasoline all over them, and then set them on fire.

Although we writers here at All Swings Considered believe attempted peasant immolations are totally sweet, we know in our heart of hearts that these accusations are entirely unfounded. Like all major league baseball players, Ugueth Urbina is a caring, thoughtful, rational man that never, ever could be a party to such a heinous atrocity.

Whenever a player is WRONGFULLY ACCUSED (!) we at All Swings Considered take it upon ourselves to stand up and defend them. Be it Hugo Chavez, George W. Bush, or in the case of Marcus Giles, Qualcomm Stadium security, we will not sit idly by while our enemies manipulate and blaspheme our brothers-in-arms. We look forward to the day when Comrade Urbina’s name and the names of all others who have been falsely accused are finally cleared.

So read on. In this section of All Swings Considered, we profile the ALLEGED bad-boys of MLB. As you will see, we cut through the rhetoric that our enemies heap onto them. Then, we set it on fire.

Allegedly.

Comrades Under Fire (Besides Ugueth Urbina)

Harold Reynolds, Sportscaster, ESPN

Alleged Atrocity: Sexually harassing female co-worker.

ASC Party Line: The only acceptable indictment in which you should punish anyone associated with baseball is genocide.

Status of case: Allowing Harold Reynolds back onto ESPN for now. Until the mass grave is uncovered, that is.

Juan Uribe, SS Chicago White Sox

Alleged Atrocity: A pair of men claim that Juan Uribe shot and wounded them for no other reason than having “walked too close” to Uribe’s Jeep parked near his home in Juan Baron, Dominican Republic this past October.

ASC Party Line: Juan Uribe shoot two men? Uribe hit .235 and slugged .441 last season for the White Sox. The man can barely lift a baseball bat let alone a gun to shoot two people. Besides, one of his accusers is a farmer. If we’ve learned anything from Comrade Urbina’s great struggle, it is to never trust Latin American peasants that claim professional baseball players have tried to kill them. Why not, you ask? Just shut up before I set you on fire.

Status of Case: Don’t pencil in Uribe at shortstop just yet. If his case is not resolved by February, Uribe will be required by Dominican law to return to the DR twice a month to appear in court until it is.

Jeff Peavy, P San Diego Padres

Alleged Atrocity: Earlier this month, Peavy was arrested and charged for disorderly conduct at Mobile Regional Airport in Mobile, Alabama after refusing to move his double-parked car.

ASC Party Line: Peavy is a major league baseball player whose yearly income is several times that of the average American. As such, he is entitled to do whatever the hell he wants, whenever the hell he wants. Peavy obviously knew this, whereas the airport security guards apparently did not. Come on guys, did you not get the memo or something??

Status of Case: Peavy was released on a $350,000 bond the same day, so no worries, my UULF faithful. In nearly all situations EXCEPT attempted peasant murder, money seems to do the trick.

Dontrelle Willis, P Florida Marlins

Alleged Atrocity: Late last month, the D-Train was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving “after an officer noticed he had double-parked his black Bentley along a South Beach street lined with nightclubs.” The officer also claims that Willis then proceeded to get out of his Bentley and urinate alongside of it.

ASC Party Line: If it is a crime to double-park your Bentley on the South Beach strip, then get out of it and pee in the street, I am ashamed to call myself an American citizen.

Status of Case: D-Train entered a plea of not guilty to driving under the influence and has since apologized to his fans, saying, “I’ll do a better job.” Last week, the Marlins awarded Willis a one-year contract worth $6.45 Million.

Rafael Palmeiro 1B Baltimore Orioles (Formerly)

Alleged Atrocity: Rafael Palmeiro was suspended during the 2005 season for ALLEGED steroid use. He could also face charges of perjury for lying to the US government during the steroid hearings.

ASC Party Line: First of all, checking the stats, if Palmeiro had used steroids, don’t you think his numbers would have been inflated? WRONG! In fact, after being suspended his numbers dropped drastically! Palmeiro belted over 500 hrs and 3,000 hits, and all before he tested “positive.” And as for perjury? Lying to our government is usually encouraged.

Status of Case: Rafael Palmeiro was last seen giving the media dual, arms-extended victory signs, before waving one last time and stepping into the waiting presidential helicopter.

Kenny Rogers, P Detroit Tigers

Alleged Atrocity: Shoving a camera, man. Forgetting to wipe after #2.

ASC Line: Our stance on everybody’s 8th favorite 40-yr old pitcher is that he is merely the victim of bad press. We have no clue what would bring that on.

Status of Case: For once in his life Rogers was successful in the postseason. Unfortunately his team came up just short. Oh, and no one cares.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: