Coping with Mediocrity: The Golden Age of Humor

Ok, so the Mets haven’t been mediocre these past few years, but they have been the wrong side of good. And last season was just a long reminder of WHO THE HELL DO WE EMPLOY IN THE TRAINING ROOM? Even now the Mets are stockpiling backups for First Base and Catcher without a true starter in place…which is beginning to become something of a joke. And that’s how a large portion of the fan base is coming to cope with an odd stage (and final legs of Minaya regime?) of their team’s existence. I’m sure the Phillies went through such a run from ’94 through the early 2000s. I’m even more sure of the fact that Pirates and Royals fans have passed this phase and are gradually being whittled out of the fan base.

Francouer easing Met fan woes with a spot of comedy.

So, quick rundown: The past year has played out like something out of the first half of Major League (the “Ha-ha, incompetence” thing) with an unremitting string of injuries, re-injuries, and DLing of insanely crappy pitching (Oliver Perez). Tony Bernazard had a remarkable string of incidents that was cut short of a possibly incredible climax by his termination (of contract). Bare-chested brawl offerings, stolen seats, and confronting closers are all part of his repertoire, which may have gotten him a place with Boras Corp. His firing then led to Omar Minaya angrily implying that NY Daily News journalist was aiming for a place in the Mets. I don’t know about you, but working for the NY Daily News is surefire way of pigeonholing yourself into the unskilled labor market. David Wright wore an enormous helmet, Luis Castillo is a horrible fielder, and Omir Santos is extremely overvalued by anyone working for the Mets. The Mets gave Matt-Holliday-money to the less Holliday-ish Jason Bay. K-Rod has a ridiculous final option for a $17 million season. Oliver Perez still has two overpaid seasons left. The Mets gave Billy Wagner up for two prospects who will likely never see the MLB instead of picking up two drafts picks. This is all very funny…even for Met fans. Granted, the first couple incidents will induce groans and forehead slapping, but once it becomes more or less the M.O. all you can do is laugh. “Oh those Mets!”
But there’s more! J.J. Putz never received a physical and it showed. Carlos Beltran went off the grid to get needed surgery. Kelvim Escobar apparently cannot pick up a baseball. Spring Training just freaking started and Escobar is already injured. That is quick work. I mean, there has to be something really weird going on if you are unable to grip a baseball (maybe he has really, really tiny hands?).

Now for an extremely long list of blog posts from a couple Mets blogs who dealt with misery through satire:

Amazin’ Avenue has become a somewhat daily read for me and a personal favorite of mine is the Mets Organizational Flowchart
A run through of the New York Post’s more (depressingly) memorable Met back pages.
Asking readers for a new slogan for the banner such as: Come see the Mets at Citi Before Jason Needs an MRI.
An interpretation (or true story) of what Oliver Perez is up to in the offseason.
Also a look into how his daily rehab routine works (lots of cereal and Spongebob).
Brian Stokes developed something of a cult following on Amazin’ Avenue. This helped.
Stokes really didn’t get used enough in relation to others.
Pedro Feliciano was called upon to pitch far too frequently, in part because the starters didn’t go long enough and also because the rest of the bullpen was downright shite.
A FanPost gets recognition for creating Minaya’s UltiMets. Mac from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia makes the cut.
Another FanPost disregards Met commentary (not another loss/injury) in favor of early ball journalism.
A horrifying reminder of the past that was a harbinger of things to come (injuries!).

Metsradamus also likes to pile on the sarcasm when it comes to the Mets.
For some reason Josh Fogg has the nickname Dragon Slayer despite being a superlatively awful pitcher.
The Hate List Hall of Fame has only one Phillie and quite a few Mets. I hate Armando Benitez.
Angel Berroa’s signing and subsequent play signaled the beginning of a new era.

So those are a few favorites and there’s bound to be tons more out there, because there certainly wasn’t any praise for the Mets finding its way onto all of the Internets (ALL OF THEM).

Other things to start/note on:
Fernando Martinez’s nickname should be Fartinez, not F-Mart (especially applicable if he goes the route of every other highly touted Mets OF prospect…and that would be maddeningly inferior crapball).
I’m pretty sure the players should report the training staff to the BBB (Better Business Bureau).
The Mets quickly replaced Ken Takahashi with Hisanori Takahashi, based on this system I believe they will promote Carlos Muniz or make a boneheaded move for Carlos Lee to claim Carlos Delgado’s empty Carlos-Beltran-name-buddy spot.
The Mets are “finished” spending money quite possibly due to the Wilpon’s dupification by Bernie Madoff. This counters all previous claims that the Madoff scandal would not affect payroll. Lesson: when the Mets deny something, they’re probably covering up some massive crapstorm.
Keith Hernandez is helping Daniel Murphy out with his 1B defense, because if there is one thing he needs to work on it certainly isn’t his decline at the plate (hint: NO).

And some random good news. Forbes did a list of top 10 most valuable sports team brands in the world (so Brand Value, which disregards players, stadium, etc.). There are three MLB teams with Yankees at 2nd, Mets at 9th, and Red Sox at 10th. Laugh at us now for creating a Latin American identity! …said the White Blogger.

Promos For Detroit Just Got Interesting

Jim Leyland with a phallus-shaped likeness of himself.

PR Man for the Detroit Tigers, Reggie Cornballs, addressed the possible record-breaking situation as calmly as he could. The concept of having an all-female audience, let alone sell-out, for an MLB game is practically unheard of. Yet, in lieu of their recent promo for a specific weekend game versus the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, the mad rush of feminine fans doesn’t seem so surprising. And no, the single game surge has nothing to do with the athletic and/or hunky figures of the Tigers team nor does it have anything to do with purported rumors of manager Jim Leyland’s sexual prowess. When a team is forced to shed star players for payroll flexibility it creates a sudden loss of interest in the product that bounces out onto the field each day. That is what the Detroit Tigers were faced with until a major sporting news story broke out and plastered itself all across the world’s webs and papers.

Tiger Woods.

The golfer with the iron libido broke out with a bad case of bad news and home strife when a domino effect followed his car crash* outside his Florida house as random flings, mistresses, and other miscellany popped out of the woodwork to admit to their carnal relations with the master driver.
*Incidentally, this gave truth to the recent quip that “Most car crashes happen within 10 feet of your house…watch out for the golf club coming through the window.”

In what is lovingly being called Detroit Tiger’s Wood Day in the press, the Tigers have extended the opportunity for one free ticket for every woman (or man) who can prove they were involved intimately with golfing’s biggest sexual deviant. Slotted roughly (haha) for one of the weekend series games starting Friday, April 30th against the Angels, the team wasn’t expecting quite the rush in interest. Further looking to cash in on their involvement with the ‘Grrr (that’s Mr. Woods), a multitude of maidens have come forward for their piece of the Comerica pie.

Imagine this overflowing with estrogen.

As it stands there are 41,782 seats in the Tigers’ Park and with all the ladies the entire weekend could be sold out if it weren’t just a one game opportunity. “As far as we can tell a large percentage of them are telling the truth. I’d say about 1 in 20 is lying to get into a free game,” said Reggie Cornballs, “We have started seeking out season-ticket holders and offering them favors if they would relinquish their seats for one game if only to set a memorable record for all of sports.”

One such season-ticket holder, Finn “Barnacle” Barnstool, told us that he would be willing to do so if only he could “personally hand the tickets over to some fortunate wench who the Woodsman had porked.”

Chev’Ron Mimbleby, another season-ticket holder, is actually married to one of the conquests. “She and her friend are ballwashers at a local bowling alley and one night, during closing time, Tiger Woods was passing through from the hotel on the north side to the hotel on the south side of the building and just there he played a quick round. Most guys would be mad, but when you think about it I am banging a billionaire by proxy. It’s an honor and it’s kinda cool.”

Cornballs informed the media that the process of checking the accuracy of every affair story is a slow and arduous process, but the team is fortunate that they have some time before the gameday comes around. The members behind the affair verification process have begun constructing theories as to the development of Tiger’s special abilities, because, when you think about it, many thousands of affairs over the course of a life devoted to becoming the best golfer there is and was seems an impossible result, and yet it all appears to have happened. The hypothesis range from the simple and stupid of “He is a robot” to the absurdly Sci-Fi “He has a TARDIS…like the Doctor…Doctor Who…DOCTOR WHO…no, it’s nothing like that Abbott and Costello bit” to the metaphysical “He exists all around us” to the further-ly metaphysical “He is a metaphysical boner shagging everything all at once…aww, yeah.”

'Not tonight honey, my sonic screwdriver is tired.'

The special day is still being planned and the team is seriously considering going beyond the usual hoopla of most other promo days, but info of those plans is being held under wraps.

It should be noted that Elin Nordegren would also qualify for a free ticket, but that she had not, as of yet, requested a ticket. She was present at Comerica and we were able to ask her a few questions. “I have no plans to comment on that at this time,” the Swede replied, “I am keeping a closed door on personal matters and am spending time with family members that are not tiny ballers.” The former swimsuit model had to cut the chat short as Jim Leyland appeared and the two walked off, arm in arm.

In all honesty, why would you cheat on this? Sorry...HER. Let's not objectify women...TIGER.