News from November 2009
Minaya proud of Mets’ undefeated postseason: “We showed a lot of heart.”
Pirates trade PNC Park to Cleveland for cut-price Albert Belle
A-Rod admits to Kate Hudson use
Geoff Jenkins surmises that if he hadn’t retired the better player, Ibanez, might not have sucked so much in the WS
Sabathia celebrates by eating Cake, the band
Ghost of Ben Franklin vomits on Ryan Howard, assumes control of Phillies
Manny Ramirez accepts responsibility for his actions: “I’m an ass.”

News from October 2009
Jimmy Rollins predicts “Game 1 will be played in New York, and one team will be beat” on Monday the 26th
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim go home with the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles
New York Yankees subject of ‘monopoly’ probe
Roctober Ends Early
Twins, Cardinals, Red Sox and Rockies play in “Consolation Ladder”
2009 World Series First to be Played on the New Jersey Turnpike

News from June 2008

Current Miguel Tejada actually son of rookie Miguel Tejada

Jose Canseco fingers George Mitchell as steroid user

Justin Verlander: “I hate Fantasy Baseball owners of me.”

Jose Reyes suffering from Alzheimer’s of the legs

Pat Burrell: “I plan on a couple more days of great hitting before taking a month-long vacation.”

News from March 2008

Roger Clemens calls in O.J. Simpson for character defense
Roger Clemens: “Everything but steroids were inserted into my ass.”
Congress to ratify Bush’s “War on Steroids”
Obama, Clinton split on DH issue
Ed Wade gets totally gypped in baseball card trade with ten year-old
Jimmy Rollins: “The Mets are definitely the team to beat on.”

News from before February 2008

Barry Bonds tells child that he is stupid
Pedro Martinez pitches simulated game; gains simulated experience, pixels
Texas trades GM and Coach for a ride on lawn mower
Man U signs 9yr old; MLB points to Rookie of the Year (1993) Henry Rowengartner

News from Week of July

NL All-Stars give up home field advantage again: “We’re getting good at this!”
A-Rod refuses to discuss swimming in money until end of season
Mets to Julio Franco: “We think you might be too old…now.”
Shane Victorino leaps into tree mulcher to save bat, comes out unscathed

News from Week of June?

Selig: “We may have a stance on steroids that we may enforce, possibly”
Giambi’s future put on 15-Day Uncertainty List
Reynolds hired by, offers free hugs to everyone
Mets on slump: “We thought the season was over already”
Elijah Dukes: “I hate everyone”

News from Week of April-ish

Piniella receives early Oscar consideration for his Ejection
Clemens continues role as most expensive minor leaguer ever, enjoys the lack of attention
St. Louis swaps starting rotation with bullpen
Sean Casey voted friendliest player in baseball, immediately signed to one-year $50 million contract by Tigers

News from Week of March 26th

ASC posts 4 articles in 4 days, the world wets its pants
Urbina loses arbitration case, will receive 0 dollars over the next 14 years with Venezuela Bureau of Prisons
LaRussa slays McGwire in drunk-driving accident; American populace rejoices
Jason Giambi’s incredible shrinking testicles tingle at repeated mention of him on ASC
Millions of fans play out their fantasies
New ASC 2.0 will offer virus protection, parental controls, and a general disregard for good taste

News from Week of March

David Eckstein hits puberty
Ozzie Guillen describes his new ‘Smallballs’ philosophy “We pump them up with tons of steroids so that their testicles become raisins”
Brett Myers explains “Since I am the best starter on the Phillies, I believe I should be given a shot as closer”; punches wife
Iran seeks the Gyroball
Rangers’ Jon Daniels making late run at “Worst GM of the Year” award
Cactus League update: David Wells eats non-roster invitee; no one notices

News from Week of February 26th

Mistaken Identity?: Inigo Montoya stabs, apologizes to Antonio Alfonseca
Mets ask David Cone to un-re-retire
Manny Ramirez plans on asking for a trade 2-3 months into the season
Jeffrey Loria trades Florida Marlins for Honus Wagner baseball card
Over offseason Derek Jeter went on whirlwind tour of “I dunno, maybe 38” female A-List celebrities
Ryan Howard “…Now that I’m grown / I eat 5 dozen eggs / So that I’m roughly the size of a barge”
Man raised by Wolf Pack
Spear-wielding chimpanzee favorite at Orioles training camp

News from Week of February 19th

Cubs sign Zambrano to long-term, one-year deal he requested
Ichiro intrigued by Free Agency, bathtubs full of cash
Minaya says he has proof that Iran sabotaged Mets’ 2006 Playoff run
Jeter and A-Rod exchange friendship bracelets, build fort
Drug using ballplayer given another chance; inner-city drug user sent directly to prison
Jimmy Kimmel “really looking forward” to playing in this year’s All-Star Celebrity Softball Game

News from Week of February 12th

Dice-K replaces Damon in Boston’s The Last Supper
Pujols becomes US citizen; immediately loses starter’s role to non-US citizen
MLB teams struggle to stop Tampa Bay from obtaining nuclear capabilities
Myers slaps a major hit with a smackin’ big contract; beats critics
Athletics players forced to buy own uniforms, gloves and toilet paper
Twins new stadium to be built in center field of old stadium

News from Week of February 5th

Aaron Rowand requires 25 stitches after running into downtown bar
Pirates send delegation to explore talent pool, open baseball clinics in Antarctica
Facial hair spirals out of control in South Florida on heels of Girardi’s departure
Carbon dating test puts El Duque somewhere between 3,000 and 10,000 years old
Milwaukee: Right Wing group accuses Mexican sausage-race mascot of stealing jobs from hardworking American sausages
McGwire forces skirmish with combined Ripken, Gwynn armies for control of Cooperstown; 4 dead
Royals players pass non-binding resolution to win more games in 2007

News from week of January 29th

David Wright linked to quadruple-clown homicide in West New York
Bernie Brewer: “Crystal meth was ruining my life”
EA Sports negotiating with Jose Canseco for rights to “Super-Mongoloid Steroid Baseball 2K7”
New Ugueth Urbina Book: “If I macheted my peasants and set them on fire, here’s how it happened”
Senator Kerry objects to MLB DirecTV deal, past presidential elections
ASC wants to know: “How did you spend your Jeff Bagwell day?”
Schilling promises 20 wins, 300Ks if elected to Senate
Freak accident leaves Antonio Alfonseca with just five fingers
Red Sox sign J.D. Drew to 5-year contract; “I will be the next Ted Williams,” says Drew
SanFran on Bonds: “42 is the new 24”
Yanks drop a whopping 750K on Cairo, eyeballing China

News from week of January 22nd

Royals mathematically eliminated from 2007 regular season contention
Mariners ink Jeff Weaver to 1 year, $274 million deal
Curt Schilling: “I can’t read or write”
Podsednik’s claim he will be 110 percent after groin surgery “really grosses out” teammates
Randolph resigns with Mets, not resigns from Mets

News from week of January 15th

George W. Bush claps for 50 minutes straight
Cliff Floyd signs with Cubs, promises to play five games

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: