No Bullshit

If The General says to buy Montana Tractors, then you fucking buy Montana Tractors.

And the award for most bizarre offseason development goes to…

Sammy Sosa for turning… white?

According to Sosa (by way of ESPN), facial cosmetic cream has lightened his skin. Whether White Sosa is here to stay or not, I’m just happy to have any Sosa back in my life. What ever happened to that guy anyway? What? Oh. Yeah…

Coming soon to a spring training near you

Thank God for the New York Times

By now, most people following the buildup to Game One tomorrow night have seen the NY Post’s front page this morning (and no, I’m not talking about this one). Was the “Victorino in a skirt” thing funny? A bit. Not one of the Post’s better headlines in my humble opinion, but not every NY Post headline can feature A-Rod being exposed as a juicer, A-Rod cheating on his wife, A-Rod getting ripped by his ex-manager, A-Rod making out with himself, or the Mets choking.

Shane Victorino could probably use the motivation, anyway. Wait, what? You mean this guy?

Maybe this was

a bad idea.

Too late. Shit.

But I digress. The point is it’s the NY Post and you can’t take them too seriously. After all, they’re not the New York Times. The New York Times publishes Serious and Insightful pieces, like this one on Jeter. It’s funny – I thought being totally oblivious to basic facts about the World Series made you an idiot. Turns out, it means you’re focused! If only Chase Utley wereas clueless as to whom HE was starting against in Game Two. No wonder the Phillies are going to get swept. Keep up the good reporting, New York Times. A few more articles on Captain Jetes and his inability to tell time/tie his own shoelaces and we might just forgive you for your complete and utter abandonment of journalistic responsibility in the leadup to the Iraq War.

Also, this just in:

Uhhh

Yeah so…we haven’t updated in forever. A couple things have happened. However, most recently they include: me going to opening day, me and my buddy walking out with fifteen (!) 2008 pennants when its supposed to be one per patron (I gotta hold it down for my homies), the Phillies going Ike Turner on the Braves bullpen to avoid a 3 game sweep, and earlier in that day getting a near 4 carat white gold ring with 103 diamonds in it. I’ll get back to writing something relevant soon.

Maybe.

It’s Now Official

Raising illiteracy awareness

In Defense of Uncle Chuck

As players and managers prepare sleeplessly for the Grape Fruit League, the Phillies find themselves facing legitimate expectations. In order to meet these lofty goals, bean-counting management has again provided Charlie Manuel with a patchwork lineup.

Expecting more than five innings out of either Jamie Moyer or Kyle Kendrick is wishful thinking. And as for the 5th starter, well let’s just say I don’t think Johan Santana will get a lot of Cy Young competition from Adam Eat-Me.

Charlie Manuel will have to make a lot of moves this season, especially when you throw in a starting left fielder that becomes a defensive debacle waiting to happen- a risk that cannot be taken far after the sixth inning- and then have a defensive replacement’s weak bat in the heart of the Phillies’ order, so you either let a chump like So Taguchi try to protect Howard, or make another move, emptying the bench.

Especially considering that our new closer just re-injured his surgically repaired leg, and the fact that either the seventh or eight inning still belongs to Tom Gordon, who will give up a couple of key bombs before he gets injured, Charlie Manuel will again be forced to turn his line up card into a laundry list of scratch-outs, and ‘he’s-still-in-the-league?’ names.

Lucky, Uncle Charlie is pretty good at this.