It’s cock bashing time

So I’m posting, which means a few things. A) It will probably be thrown together quickly B) It certainly will be mindless and incoherent C) It will have a Phillies slant.  Lets go through this mongo mega trade and really depict it…and who I truly see as the biggest winners.

PHILLIES:

OUT: Cliff Lee (under contract for one year at 8 mil), Travis D’Arnaud, Michael Taylor, Kyle Drabek

IN: Roy Halladay (who immediately signs 3 year extension with vesting options for two more), Tyson Gillies, Phillipe Aumont, JC Ramirez, Six million bucks

BREAKDOWN:

I love Cliff Lee…really I do.  But he wasn’t resigning here.  Just wasn’t happening.  That dude wants CC-like money at CC like length (for you bastards playing at home…thats 20+ for 6 or more years).  It’s been rumored Amaro has had a boner the size of the Comcast Building for Halladay for quite some time…he finally found a way to get him.  Now, the Phillies do give up a boat in prospects (Taylor is a potential stud, Drabek as well….D’Arnaud has potential but is only single A), but the blow is softened by getting back very quality players as well (I investigated these boys…two pitchers with very plus stuff and an absolute SPEED demon who hit .341 in A+ ball last year).

People in Philly are shitting their pants over Roy Halladay.  We’ve heard he’s so good and blah blah blah…but lemme tell you something, this guy is the fucking titties.  You know how good Cole Hamels’ changeup can be? Like how it comes directly out of the same arm slot angle as his fastball that sits at 89 mph?  Well, imagine if Cole Hamels was 6’6″, 230 lbs, and instead of having one of those devastating pitches, he had 3.  Oh yeah, and have that fastball sit at 97mph instead of 88.  Oh yeah…he’s been pitching in the most offensive division in the most offensive era in baseball, and all the while shitting on everybody’s faces.  I can’t even describe how legit this guy is.  No bullshit, a sub 2.00 ERA is a serious possibility for him in the NL East.

This is a move that makes sense, but stings a bit for the Phils.  Gave up some real homegrown depth on the farm…but dudes like Halladay just DON’T become available.  Not only that…he really gave the Phillies a bit of a discount on his extension.  For an avg of 20 mil…thats a joke.  Comparable to other guys out there (CC, Santana) it truly is a deal.  To sweeten the pot, Phils also got six million bucks to offset Halladay’s salary this year.

In time I’ll break down further how the Phillies aren’t totally fucked for salary in the future as well.

SEATTLE:

IN: Cliff Lee, two draft picks in ’10, and in one year nothing but a dick in their hands

OUT: Phillipe Aumont, Tyson Gillies, JC Ramirez

People are blowing their loads over how fuckin rad of a deal this was for the Mariners.  Yeah…they got Cliff Lee.  Everybody in Philly knows how good he can be, and with The King at the top of the roto, they’re going to be a power to deal with in the AL West.  One problem:  THIS IS A MOVE A TEAM WITH A LEGIT SHOT TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES MAKES….AND THE MARINERS AIN’T THAT.

I’d bet dollars to donuts Cliff Lee is staring at a loaded revolver and a Mariners hat, deciding which fate is worse.  He’s going to a passionless fan base where he’ll post 17 wins, MAYBE a playoff appearance and then get paid.  THEY’RE GOING NOWHERE THIS YEAR PEOPLE.  At this time next year, the Mariners and their fan base are going to be looking around at no more Cliff Lee, the King posting another monster year and saying “Pay me”, and watching the Halo’s reload and overtake the AL West.  Enjoy this year Mariners fans, because if you don’t win the world series its going to be right back to Bavasi-esque doldrums.  Oh yeah…they emptied half their farm to get Cliff for one year.  Maybe the revolver is for the front office next October? Probably.

TORONTO:

IN: BALLER PROSPECTS

OUT: Roy Halladay, six mil

Boys and girls, I present to you a very shrewd team looking to stay competitive.  I tip my hat to the Jays…they got the man they REALLY wanted (Drabek, immediately the #1 pitcher in their farm), Travis d’Arnaud who has an awesome last name and very well could develop into a good major leaguer, and flip Michael Taylor to the A’s for a prospect named Brett Wallace.  For people who don’t know Brett Wallace let me break it down.  He’s kind of big framed/kinda pudgy, and is one of the best pure hitters in the minor leagues.  For you scoring at home, people with awkward bodies who can really swat=friggin’ awesome (ask John Kruk and Princess Fielder).  A lefty 1b/3b who has an ability to actually hit lefties rocks.  The only problem with Halladay leaving is the Jays have to sell to their fan base that they’re in rebuild mode, considering Roy Halladay truly was the face of the franchise.

OAKLAND:

IN: Michael Taylor

OUT: Brett Wallace

Nice little move for the A’s here, although as you can see I have a some serious love for Wallace.  Taylor has the tools to be the next Strawberry but is still a little raw—however unlike most super athletes in the minors he’s already a contact hitter trying to develop power.  Usually its the other way around.

Bottom Line for the best god damn team on the planet: Yeah, we did give up some better prospects than we got back.  But think like we just gave up a BMW 7-Series for a BMW 5-Series; we didn’t get slouches in return.  Adios Cliffy baby, Hello Doctor.  Yay baseball.

Utley: Godsend

utleinator2

The machine behind the man

Courtesy of Costesflaming bat.

Back to the Bronx for Game 6.

“Chase Utley, you are the man!”

Yankee Nation: “Oh Shit.”

That noise you hear is the collective Yankee fan base slapping themselves on the forehead.  After a serious beatdown of 6-1 in their own house, the Yankees are in for a series they didn’t think could be this hard.  The Phillies out pitched, out hit, out ran and all around out played the Yankees in Game 1 of the World Series.

If not for an ill-advised double play attempt by Jimmy Rollins in the 8th inning, Cliff Lee would’ve gotten a shutout.  As it stands…he’s the first pitcher ever to have no walks, 10 k’s and no earned runs while pitching a complete game in the World Series.  FIRST EVER.  Chase “somebody get a forklift to get my penis off this field” Utley also carved a little piece of history of his own, being only the second left handed hitter to go deep off a left handed pitcher in the World Series.  A hint…the other guy who did it has a candy bar named after him.

 

So what does this mean?  For the Phillies to win, this first game was crucial.  They’ve established the “split” they had to have in Yankee stadium, and set themselves up for a commanding 2-0 lead heading back to CBP.  For the Yankees, the cover of the NY Post says it all, “UT-OH”.  The Phils have cracked their ace, cracked their bullpen, and cracked their lineup (A-Rod 0-4, 3k’s) and cracked their spirits.  Maybe most satisfying of all, all the fucking asshole fake die-hard Yankee fans are back peddling just a little bit today, which is always funny to see.

Tonight is going to be an equally as intriguing matchup.  Pedro Martinez, once the punching bag that always punched back to Yankee fans (right, Zim?) will be toeing the rubber for the WFC.  AJ Burnett, one of the big three free agent purchases by the Yankees last off-season takes the hill for the Yanks.  I for one can’t wait.

 

The Ultimate Showdown

Tons of things can be said about this upcoming world series.  Good versus Evil.  Righteous versus the wicked.  Upper middle class versus fiendishly wealthy.

Let’s face it…this is shaping up to be an all-time series.  The most explosive AL team vs the most explosive NL team.  The defending WFC vs the team with the highest payroll, most expensive new home, and biggest bandwagon fans on the planet (sorry Red Sox Nation, you just squeezed in 2nd).  The home grown boys against the best team money can buy.  LET’S GO TO THE TALE OF THE TAPE!

Offenses:

These are two full blown nuclear superpowers. 1-6 these two lineups are retardedly potent.  Jeter-Damon-Teixera-Arod-Godzilla-Posada.  Rollins-Victorino-Utley-Howard-Werth-Ibanez.  Those literally are all-star lineups.  However, I firmly believe the battle for offensive superiority in this series will not come from these hitters….but from the bottom three’s.  Lets look at who we got shakin’.
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Man….I’m tired.

This whole “working” this is a serious downer. Along with “working” I now have a “girlfriend”. Both are good things, but both cut into my baseball time. I guess you take the bad with the good. Mindless ramblings (it’s all I’m capable of)

-Benigo and Roberts on 660 WFAN in New York are the most annoying radio duo in the world. The Met homerism is like a fine cheese here…considered by some to be a delicacy, but to most it just fucking stinks. Then you switch over to 1050 ESPN radio for Kellerman and Kenny (infinitely more entertaining), and Max Kellerman could be the biggest Yankee homer of all time, and that is QUITE a statement. Someone must dislodge Mo Rivera’s penis from his mouth or its just going to get awkward.
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Things That Depress Me

Even though I am gamely employed, I am thoroughly enjoying this baseball season. However, there are a glaring number of things that I really don’t like and actually get me upset. Not UPS worker after 25 years upset but just a little down. Here are some of the things that actually get me kind of depressed.

1) That Carlos Delgado won’t be the Mets first basemen after this year
Long gone will be the days of 15+ million for an average defenese, 27 homer, .220 average, loud mouth road cone at first base. Carlos, you used to be a force to be reckoned with (especially in the Blue Jays days…good lord he was a monster) but now you suck and I’m upset you’re leaving the Mets. You are the number one problem with the Mets and to see you leave will bring a tear to my eye.
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Don’t Look Now, But…

We’re roughly thirty games into this baseball season, and of course I’m enjoying it thoroughly. However, there are some serious oddities going on, and I thought I’d just point out a few that caught my eye.

-Justin Verlander. Good god…his fantasy owners should be declaring for reparations at some point. 1-5 with an ERA north of six? This guy has electric stuff but just can’t put it together. Nevermind the car wreck that has been D-Train in Detroit, Verlander was supposed to be the one constant on the staff and he can’t put it together. If he doesn’t, the Tigers won’t even sniff the postseason.

-Joe Saunders. Who? Exactly. Saunders flew under the radar in ’07 throwing only 107 innings posted a respectable 8-5 with a 4+ ERA (not bad for the AL). This year however he’s been on fire. 6-0 with an ERA under 2.47. Will he keep it up? I think he’ll have a nice year (15-17 wins), but when you pitch to contact like he does it’s a dangerous game, especially in the American league. Up until his last outing Saunders was doing great (then he got his shit pushed in, but he was going against me in fantasy…so thanks, Joe) and should prove to be a steady arm all year.
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I made Straight Cash Homey!

http://straightcashhomey.net/

Not nearly as cool as ozziecanseco’s Utley question, but cool none the less. Check out the Pratt jersey…opening day find!

Opening Day 2008

Alright…so where to begin?

Opening day officially started for me at 7:41AM, when I rolled out of bed to make the journey to South Philly. I found out last week that the Phillies were releasing an extra 500 standing room only tickets at 9am Monday morning, and I’d be damned if I wasn’t one of those 500. So I play it safe, and get to the stadium at 8:20—except there’s already a massive line. The line was kind of fun; all jovial hopeful Phillies fans just hoping to get into opening day. We all agreed if we didn’t get tickets we were going to riot. Thank god I left my house early because I got tickets by the skin of my teeth. As long as I was going to Opening Day, I didn’t give a flying crap.
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Meaningless Predictions

It’s that time of year where anybody who posts anything on the internet feels the need to give you their 2008 baseball predictions. However here at AllSwings we like to go off the beaten path, not just giving you the regular “who will win what division, wild card, World Series, etc.”, but some more in depth predictions you just can’t find anywhere else. So without further adieu, lets get through the regular ones first.

AL East:

Bosox too deep. Yankees good, but too old and young at the same time (haha). Blue Jays got better but not good enough. Red Sox take this division with 97 wins. Tampa Rays will scare people but don’t have the depth. Baltimore…who cares.

AL Central:

Tigers=big hit happy body! Cleveland=most well rounded team in baseball. Minny=too young…but on the right path. White Sox=past their prime. Kansas City=Kansas City. Cleveland takes this division again this year…way too strong all around; 95 wins for them.

AL West:

Easiest division to forecast. Halos win the division, but its a bit closer than you’d think (Escobar really hurts them). Seattle pulls in 2nd, Oakland 3rd and Texas 4th. Halo’s get 92 wins, with Seattle nipping at their heels.

AL Wild Card:

Seattle! Seattle quietly made some ballsy moves this offseason, and I think having The King and Bed-tard at the top of the rotation is as good a 1-2 punch in baseball. If they can just get Sexson to hit at least. 250 this team can do some serious damage.

NL East:

Phillies have many question marks. New York Santana’s have the best pitching by far. Braves are getting lots of dark horse pub, but I’m not buying it. Florida and Nationals suck (but will be good, and soon). New York Santana’s take the division with 92 wins.

NL Central:

Brewers have the O but lack pitching depth (and lets see how well Gagne does). Cubs are an intriguing team and have made some nice additions this offseason. They’ll win the division with 89 wins. Cardinals will be a scrappy bunch but they don’t seriously scare anyone. Pittsburgh should be in AAA ball. Buster Olney best summed up Houston’s chances at the playoffs: “Roy Oswalt and pray for rain.”

NL West:

Now THIS is a division. Padres again have the arms but not the bats. With the departure of the Dragon Slayer I don’t see the Rockies doing it again this year. Dodgers will raise eyebrows but again will not have enough. The Diamondbacks are a frightening team with the best pitching in this division. They win the division with 91 wins.

Wild Card: Phillies! Best offense in the National League, with Myers back in the rotation and will have a very good year. I peg the Philzors at 90 wins.

World Series: Tribe over Cubs, with Steve Bartman pitching a scoreless 9th in game 7.

Milton Bradley Award (player due for awful karma based injury): I’d say Paul Lo Duca, but now that he’s off HGH and on the Nationals thats karma enough. I’ll say Elijah Dukes…beating your spouse isn’t looking kindly upon by baseball gods.

Scott Kazmir Award (player who was in an awful trade): Ladies and Gentlemen, the Mets keep it in the family with Lastings Milledge! Talk about a retarded trade…Lastings is a five tool monster who has the potential to be a super-duper star. Enjoy Brian Schneider and Ryan Church, because the Nats will enjoy Milledge for years to come.

Reverse Jack Elliot Award (New Japanese player most likely to have an impact): Gotta be Fukudome. Don’t look now, but the gap is narrowing between Japanese baseball and American baseball, and this guy can play. Had a dinged up 2007, but in 2006 hit 31 dingers with a .351 average and 104 RBI’s in generally bigger parks than American ones.

Brady Anderson Award (player with most precipitous fall-off): Curtis Granderson. I hate to say it cuz I love the guy but I think he struggles this year. That broken finger/knuckle he has will hamper him greatly (take it from somebody who’s had a very similar injury, your grip and strength is greatly compromised for a long time).

Hooked on Phonics Award (player who can’t read): Well…I think we all know who that is.

Play ball Mofo’s!