Promos For Detroit Just Got Interesting

Jim Leyland with a phallus-shaped likeness of himself.

PR Man for the Detroit Tigers, Reggie Cornballs, addressed the possible record-breaking situation as calmly as he could. The concept of having an all-female audience, let alone sell-out, for an MLB game is practically unheard of. Yet, in lieu of their recent promo for a specific weekend game versus the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, the mad rush of feminine fans doesn’t seem so surprising. And no, the single game surge has nothing to do with the athletic and/or hunky figures of the Tigers team nor does it have anything to do with purported rumors of manager Jim Leyland’s sexual prowess. When a team is forced to shed star players for payroll flexibility it creates a sudden loss of interest in the product that bounces out onto the field each day. That is what the Detroit Tigers were faced with until a major sporting news story broke out and plastered itself all across the world’s webs and papers.

Tiger Woods.

The golfer with the iron libido broke out with a bad case of bad news and home strife when a domino effect followed his car crash* outside his Florida house as random flings, mistresses, and other miscellany popped out of the woodwork to admit to their carnal relations with the master driver.
*Incidentally, this gave truth to the recent quip that “Most car crashes happen within 10 feet of your house…watch out for the golf club coming through the window.”

In what is lovingly being called Detroit Tiger’s Wood Day in the press, the Tigers have extended the opportunity for one free ticket for every woman (or man) who can prove they were involved intimately with golfing’s biggest sexual deviant. Slotted roughly (haha) for one of the weekend series games starting Friday, April 30th against the Angels, the team wasn’t expecting quite the rush in interest. Further looking to cash in on their involvement with the ‘Grrr (that’s Mr. Woods), a multitude of maidens have come forward for their piece of the Comerica pie.

Imagine this overflowing with estrogen.

As it stands there are 41,782 seats in the Tigers’ Park and with all the ladies the entire weekend could be sold out if it weren’t just a one game opportunity. “As far as we can tell a large percentage of them are telling the truth. I’d say about 1 in 20 is lying to get into a free game,” said Reggie Cornballs, “We have started seeking out season-ticket holders and offering them favors if they would relinquish their seats for one game if only to set a memorable record for all of sports.”

One such season-ticket holder, Finn “Barnacle” Barnstool, told us that he would be willing to do so if only he could “personally hand the tickets over to some fortunate wench who the Woodsman had porked.”

Chev’Ron Mimbleby, another season-ticket holder, is actually married to one of the conquests. “She and her friend are ballwashers at a local bowling alley and one night, during closing time, Tiger Woods was passing through from the hotel on the north side to the hotel on the south side of the building and just there he played a quick round. Most guys would be mad, but when you think about it I am banging a billionaire by proxy. It’s an honor and it’s kinda cool.”

Cornballs informed the media that the process of checking the accuracy of every affair story is a slow and arduous process, but the team is fortunate that they have some time before the gameday comes around. The members behind the affair verification process have begun constructing theories as to the development of Tiger’s special abilities, because, when you think about it, many thousands of affairs over the course of a life devoted to becoming the best golfer there is and was seems an impossible result, and yet it all appears to have happened. The hypothesis range from the simple and stupid of “He is a robot” to the absurdly Sci-Fi “He has a TARDIS…like the Doctor…Doctor Who…DOCTOR WHO…no, it’s nothing like that Abbott and Costello bit” to the metaphysical “He exists all around us” to the further-ly metaphysical “He is a metaphysical boner shagging everything all at once…aww, yeah.”

'Not tonight honey, my sonic screwdriver is tired.'

The special day is still being planned and the team is seriously considering going beyond the usual hoopla of most other promo days, but info of those plans is being held under wraps.

It should be noted that Elin Nordegren would also qualify for a free ticket, but that she had not, as of yet, requested a ticket. She was present at Comerica and we were able to ask her a few questions. “I have no plans to comment on that at this time,” the Swede replied, “I am keeping a closed door on personal matters and am spending time with family members that are not tiny ballers.” The former swimsuit model had to cut the chat short as Jim Leyland appeared and the two walked off, arm in arm.

In all honesty, why would you cheat on this? Sorry...HER. Let's not objectify women...TIGER.

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