Easy Prey OR Your Writing Gives Me Herpes

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This article has been several weeks in the making. I started with a sudden splurge on Yahoo! Answers before my brain became weary of typoes, run-on sentences, ALL-CAPS GIBBERERIBBERISH!, and ::sigh:: so much more. Recently, I began my crusade anew…or again, whichever, to correct some small percentage of the mistakes in this world and, if nothing else, to give me something decent to post on the heavenly white pages of ASC.

I have kept all my answers so far to the baseball section, thereby shutting myself off from a monstrous headache of multiple topics. From small peeks into other areas it seems to be pretty much the same thing but in religion-speak, Fall Out Boy doe-eyed junkiespiel, or soccer language among others. Seriously, the Mexican team showed no class at the end of the game against the USA. I cannot believe that there was no penalty placed on their goalie, Oswaldo Sanchez, following his attempted slide tackle on Eddie Johnson after the second US goal, I have no more respect for him. What? Oh right, basesball. And we begin…
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I hate reading Yahoo! Answers, because some of the responses can be the single most ridiculous thing to be left on the bits and bytes of the internet. I don’t know why I continue to look at any of the ‘answers,’ I probably have some sort of sadomasochistic gravitation towards brain damage.

Example A: “We all know Johan Santana is the best MLB pitcher who comes in second and how close?”

Assuming the poster means current and based on the past few years of pitching, since he doesn’t specify anything, I feel it is fairly obvious that someone out of the mix of Roy Oswalt, Chris Carpenter, and Roy Halladay happens to be second best. Some insightful individuals even managed to type these names out (there is hope out there after all). The major problem with Yahoo! Answers is that it allows the poster to select the best answer, this is a huge mistake. Essentially someone could just go out there and post “Who has the biggest cock?” and wait for some retard to gratify them with their own name OR it allows for someone to say that Timothy Dalton was the best Bond, and we all know that that is offensively misguided.

Chosen Answer to Example A: “Too many factors to really consider…Do you base it off 2006 only? Trends for the past few seasons? Career? An arguement can be made for so many players. Clemens, Petitte, Pedro, Carpenter, Schmidt, Schilling…. Go to Relief picthers. Papelbon was insane last year, but is unproven. Is anyone happy to be facing Mariano Rivera…ever? K-Rod has been pretty unhittable since he dominated the Yanks in the 2002 WS.
So most likely the answer comes down to personal preference of team. Having said that…Papelbon. Then Schilling, Dice-K, Wakefield, and Beckett. Plain and simple. ;-)”

My response to chosen answer: ::head explodes::

NO! First, how do you even mention Schmidt? Not Clemens, because he is a baby and doesn’t play full seasons anymore. Did you even see Pettitte’s stats last year? Even Pedro was horrible last year, and wasn’t anything special in his final BoSox year. Good on Carpenter. Except for 2004, Schilling hasn’t been anything near remarkable. Some closers, but in my opinion you can’t really consider them for their solitary inning of work. Regardless of personal preference of team you have to be out of your fucking mind to list the BoSox crew. If you’re picking team pitching it is really simple Tigers, Padres, Twins.

Other answers involved:

Carlos Zambrano: Why, because he is supposed to be good, since he wasn’t all that incredible last year.

“i dont know bout santana being te best pitcher cause he had 19 wins just like wang of the yankees. Santana sure did have a better era but who cares they had the same amount of wins. So wang is up there.”
“Chien Ming Wang is obviously the second best pitcher currently in the MLB. His record last year was 19-6 and his ERA was less than 4. He was the runner-up for the American League Cy Young Award last year and had more than 450 ground balls last year.”
“i think Chien-Ming Wang is best pitcher in al and the mlb he should the cy young award”

Rating pitchers based on wins is like choosing a mate because of the possiblity of a large inheritance. Jason Marquis had 2 more wins than Brett Myers, therefore he is a better pitcher, right? It’s enough to make me upchuck my gall bladder. Marquis was 14-16 with a 6.02 ERA and a 1.52 WHIP. Myers was 12-7, 3.91, 1.30.

Oh, by the way, all of these responses are verbatim, just to show you what a bunch of clusterfucks these guys are at typing and creating arguments. Seriously, words just drop out of their mouths, shattering on the floor, and then they piece it back together in something resembling a kindergartener’s artwork.
Mom: This is a wonderful painting of a hamster, honey.
Child: It’s a school bus!

I will give you the stats of Santana, Halladay, Wang, and Mussina from 2006 to show you that Santana clearly deserved the Cy Young, Halladay was the second best pitcher in the AL, and that Wang’s season wasn’t all that special (aside from wins, Mussina was the better pitcher).

Pitcher W-L ERA IP K HR WHIP
Santana 19-6 2.77 233.7 245 24 1.00
Halladay 16-5 3.19 220.0 132 19 1.10
Wang 19-6 3.63 218.0 76 12 1.31
Mussina 15-7 3.51 197.3 172 22 1.11

My conclusion is that Wang got a pretty good amount of run support. I know he is a good pitcher, great at inducing the ground ball, but these three guys are better.

“Is there a better relief pitcher than Joe Nathan?”

B.J. Ryan, Jonathan Papelbon, Mariano Rivera, K-Rod. They’re all pretty much about even.

Example B: “Which team deserves my undying loyalty?” The person goes on to explain that Tom Hicks is buying (in a partnership) an English Soccer team (Liverpool) instead of spending all that money on the team or trying to completely redesign the team.

First of all, Hicks did spend money (poorly) on A-Rod, and disregarded pitching, then he focuses on pitching, while maintaining a pretty decent offense without A-Rod (Young, Teixeira, Blalock). If Hicks wants to keep any of these players for longer than their current contracts, he’s going to need to have some available cap space. This guy is hard to appease.

Chosen Answer to Example B: “Definately its got to be the Athletics of Oakland. We do it right, build our own teams, don’t overpay, build through development and draft, not like these other teams that have totally ruined baseball like the Yankees. When we take the title it will be earned not bought. A’s for life bitches!”

Ah, yes, the Moneyball team. They lose their best players to trades and free agency. Of course, when they do decide to keep someone for a large contract it ends up being Eric Chavez or trading for Jason Kendall’s $11 million. Clearly, if you didn’t like the fact that your owner wasn’t spending enough money on his team, Oakland is the place for you.

The poster made reference to a close second, a response trying to lure him over to the Mets. This was the only response that gave a decent, in-depth look into the team. The poster told a story about Roberto Alomar (of all Mets to talk about), and then went on to describe the balance of veterans and youth Minaya has built with this team. The former Ranger fan said he would feel as if he was jumping on the bandwagon. In the 7 seasons since 2000 the A’s have made the postseason 5 times. The Mets have done it twice.

Nevertheless there was the usual amount of idiot responses:

“St. Louis Cardinal. . . Ive been a fan my whole . . . my cousin built there new stadium so ROCKING OUT WITH ST. LOI”

What?

“The Braves cuz they are the BEST”

Not last year.

“THE NEW YORK YANKEES they won 9 division titles in a row!”

Yes, be a frontrunner, everyone will love you for it.

Example C: “Name the only MLB player ever with his first, middle and last name starting with an “U”?”

Yup, it does say ‘an “U.”’ The answer is, of course, Ugueth Urtaín Urbina. The first response got best answer, which is understandable. However, this will not stop me from making fun of the other answers.

“Ugueth Urtain Urbina. played for the phillies. then he traveled home and got arrested during the off season for something related to machete blah blah blah.”

This is my favorite response, mainly because of the ‘machete blah blah blah’ part.

“Ugueth Urtain Urbina…..I think that i should getr best answer because i actually knew this unlike everyone else who answered and just looked it up….Im not sure if he is one of the good guys in baseball though..because he was arrested in Venezuela for useing a machete on 2 guys…LOL”

You know what happens when you assume, dickhead. Learn how to create the present participle of ‘use.’ ‘LOL’ clearly is required for a reaction to a situation involving death.

“Ugueth Urtain Urbina!!! played for the phillies. In 2004, his mother was kidnapped in their native Venezuela, but fortunately she was found unharmed after many months. On November 7, 2005, Urbina was arrested in Venezuela pending formal charges of attempted murder. The charges stem from an incident at his family’s ranch on October 16 where Urbina and a group of men allegedly attacked five workers with machetes and poured gasoline on them. He had 2 seasons with 40 or more saves, 1999 & 2002”

Odd set-up here: baseball, personal life, personal life, baseball. You must be doing stellar work in English class.

“Urbina”

I’m assuming you mean Ewe Ewe Urbina?

Example D: “Best player of all time? it has to be pete rose he is charlie hustle he played because he loved the game”

Oh, gee, I wonder where this is going. Who wants to guess what answer he will pick?

“I agree- Pete Rose. The number of years with a lot of hits it took to beat the All Time Hit Record- I dont think that one will ever fall again.
Source: Reds Fan. Let him into the Hall of Fame already.
Asker’s Rating: THANK YOU FOR AGREEIN wit me”

There are so many things wrong with this, but it hurts to even think about. Also, the term ‘Charlie Hustle’ should be outlawed.

Example E: “How do I get a MAJOR league baseball player to sign my balls?”

Hahahahahahahaha!

All those questions were posted some time ago, so I’ll give you a fresh batch of idiocy to think about.

Recent example A: “Where can i find betting stats from the 2006 baseball season? over unders stuff like that?”

The first answerer stated that he couldn’t find anything, which is obviously something we all needed to know.

The second answerer, bless his failing eyesight, posted links to two baseball stat sites for batting stats. As soon as I read the question I knew I would find this answer. Why? Because 90% of these people are failing.

Recent example B: “What is the Url to Stl Louis paper?”

What is a Google search?

Recent example C: “How did the baseball player with the last name Kile die?”

There were good answers to this, but the one that stuck out like an unwanted erection was “in an airplane crash i think”

Look, if you’re not going to bother thinking then don’t even attempt typing.

Recent example D: “Is it true that the bigleager Ugueth Urbina was sent to jail?
Venezuelan outfielder. Seems that he burned some people to death. Any of you guys know anything about it?”

Is it true you can’t read something from any news site? Much less get facts straight? Pitcher, machete, gasoline, jail. Juan Uribe, you’re next on the stand.

If you wish to follow me in my quest to enlighten the baseball morons of this world, then go here:
My neck must be incredibly strong to hold a brain so large, so limitless, so sensual.
And if anyone from Yahoo! Answers reads this, I have a hint for you. You’re dumb as hell or you can solve your question with a Google search, unless it is seeking an opinion, in which case I am always right.

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3 Responses

  1. You should really check out the soccer section of yahoo! answers. They continue to astound on two fronts, either a direct frontal assault on the enlgish language armed only with babelfish and an IQ below 40, or a more circuitous route that takes them through their utter confusion at how soccer, after they get over their initial hyperventilations that we even have the gall to call it soccer, is not as popular in the United States as other sports. This apparently is baffling to the point of causing them to doubt the existence of a benevolent god. But of course the most deadly attacks are those that combine the linguistic lunacy with sporting hypocracy. They trully can make a grown man shudder.

    Example of yahoo! answers soccer post, type A:
    When it starts the eliminatory for cup world of Asian Football Confederation (AFC) ?

    Type B:
    Because the USA have to be weird and give the name “football” to a game where they rarely use their feet and re-name a game that is played mainly with feet to soccer!
    (even get some subject-verb agreement problemsfor free in this one)

    And another just for fun:
    What is the captel of englan?

  2. Very nice Blue Jays information. I think Halladay will be a future hall-of-famer.
    I hope to be in Toronto for a game this fall. I am visiting from Peru.

  3. The style of writing is quite familiar to me. Did you write guest posts for other bloggers?

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