An old favorite, the article that catapulted All Swings Considered to No. 4 on Google Searches when one types in “Derek Jeter + Herpes.” In honor of the Yankees making it back to the World Series, we are reposting the article. Enjoy. – All Swings Considered
Originally published Feb 22, 2008
In my never-ending attempt to have ASC win the Google search for ‘Derek Jeter Herpes,’ I will now make an entire post about…this. Actually the real reasoning is that I’ve been flooded by questions over the validity of said rumors. And by flooded I mean asked by one friend, who goes by the initials LG. Let’s call him Liquid Gold. Well, he is a Yankees fan, so let’s call him Luminescent Greed.
Liquid Gold/Luminescent Greed: does jeter actually have herpes?
that was the question…flooding.
Anyway, I do not know for sure if he does or does not actually have herpes. There are certainly rumors, and many of them, and there is even a Derek Jeter Herpes Tree. This sadly has him herpifying many of our beloved celebs (Jessicas Alba and Biel and Scarlett Johanssen to start) and then indirectly contaminating the rest of the world’s population.
Now, at this time, it has not been proven to me that Jeter does or does not have herpes. Therefore, until Jeter approaches me and takes a test under my instruction to prove or disprove such rumors, I will just have to assume that he does carry a Herpe or two…or more. Likewise there are other rumors circulating concerning other baseball players. I believe that David Wright has the ability to read, but there are those around me who think otherwise and unfortunately Mr. Wright has not been able to prove to me whether or not he is illiterate. Additionally, if I were to say that Ryan Howard practices his home run swing on the heads of hobos in Philadelphia, I may or may not be speaking the truth. Of course the extra $3 million he just gained from the Phillies might be to ward off cops or help him in court. One can never be sure.
Back to the herpes (a phrase no one likes to hear). As always Yahoo! Answers has a great little arena for this speculation.
Based on the questioner’s name alone you already know what type of response is getting best answer.
“No, its true. He really does have Herpes. He contracted it from Jason Giambi.”
Haha, Mets fans are assholes. I mean, no we’re not.
“omg you serious what does this have to with baseball if he does or doe snot have herpes what the hell does it have to with baseball and i think your a little to obsessed with Derek jeter”
doe snot? But truer words have never been typed with so many spelling/grammatical errors.
“I highly doubt it. Jeter doesn’t run around with girls during the season as Mr. Torre has told him he noticed it effected his play. When he was with Mariah during the season his stats fell and he felt he was hurting the team. So yes he still is a clean Captain Clutch.”
This answer is awesome. It implies that since Derek Jeter only fiddles with the ladies during the offseason he is therefore unable to contract herpes. Sooo, you can only get herpes during baseball season. Why don’t more people know this?
…all the other Derek Jeter herpes related questions on Yahoo! Answers.
14 is the number of times I mistyped ‘herpes’ as ‘heroes’ since the ‘o’ and ‘p’ are next to each other on the keyboard.
Congrats to the city of Philadelphia, or Chester, for becoming MLS’s 16th team. Philly just gave St. Louis the bitch slap that the Mets weren’t able to in 2006.