Derek Jeter & Herpes: The Truth…ish

An old favorite, the article that catapulted All Swings Considered to No. 4 on Google Searches when one types in “Derek Jeter + Herpes.” In honor of the Yankees making it back to the World Series, we are reposting the article. Enjoy. – All Swings Considered

Originally published Feb 22, 2008

In my never-ending attempt to have ASC win the Google search for ‘Derek Jeter Herpes,’ I will now make an entire post about…this. Actually the real reasoning is that I’ve been flooded by questions over the validity of said rumors. And by flooded I mean asked by one friend, who goes by the initials LG. Let’s call him Liquid Gold. Well, he is a Yankees fan, so let’s call him Luminescent Greed.

Liquid Gold/Luminescent Greed: does jeter actually have herpes?

that was the question…flooding.

Anyway, I do not know for sure if he does or does not actually have herpes. There are certainly rumors, and many of them, and there is even a Derek Jeter Herpes Tree. This sadly has him herpifying many of our beloved celebs (Jessicas Alba and Biel and Scarlett Johanssen to start) and then indirectly contaminating the rest of the world’s population.

Now, at this time, it has not been proven to me that Jeter does or does not have herpes. Therefore, until Jeter approaches me and takes a test under my instruction to prove or disprove such rumors, I will just have to assume that he does carry a Herpe or two…or more. Likewise there are other rumors circulating concerning other baseball players. I believe that David Wright has the ability to read, but there are those around me who think otherwise and unfortunately Mr. Wright has not been able to prove to me whether or not he is illiterate. Additionally, if I were to say that Ryan Howard practices his home run swing on the heads of hobos in Philadelphia, I may or may not be speaking the truth. Of course the extra $3 million he just gained from the Phillies might be to ward off cops or help him in court. One can never be sure.

Back to the herpes (a phrase no one likes to hear). As always Yahoo! Answers has a great little arena for this speculation.

Does derek jeter have herpes? As asked by Mrs.Jeter

Based on the questioner’s name alone you already know what type of response is getting best answer.

“No, its true. He really does have Herpes. He contracted it from Jason Giambi.”
Haha, Mets fans are assholes. I mean, no we’re not.

“omg you serious what does this have to with baseball if he does or doe snot have herpes what the hell does it have to with baseball and i think your a little to obsessed with Derek jeter”
doe snot? But truer words have never been typed with so many spelling/grammatical errors.

“I highly doubt it. Jeter doesn’t run around with girls during the season as Mr. Torre has told him he noticed it effected his play. When he was with Mariah during the season his stats fell and he felt he was hurting the team. So yes he still is a clean Captain Clutch.”
This answer is awesome. It implies that since Derek Jeter only fiddles with the ladies during the offseason he is therefore unable to contract herpes. Sooo, you can only get herpes during baseball season. Why don’t more people know this?

…all the other Derek Jeter herpes related questions on Yahoo! Answers.

14 is the number of times I mistyped ‘herpes’ as ‘heroes’ since the ‘o’ and ‘p’ are next to each other on the keyboard.

Congrats to the city of Philadelphia, or Chester, for becoming MLS’s 16th team. Philly just gave St. Louis the bitch slap that the Mets weren’t able to in 2006.

11 Responses

  1. You should leave Jeter alone! It’s obvious that he can will himself into MVP status purely because Alex Rodriguez had lunch with him. See:

    http://bats.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/02/22/rodriguez-calls-fit-and-trim-jeter-an-mvp/index.html?ex=1361422800&en=e261c49047be3353&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

  2. Also, that Herpes tree is fantastic… makes me think of the David Segui, Paul Lo Duca HGH tree… perhaps ASC needs to have one on the connections between relief pitchers and peasant chopping/lighting.

  3. “I’ve done some different things this off-season, trying to get better, trying to improve; that was basically the extent of the conversation,” Jeter said, recalling his exchange with Rodriguez. “Did a lot of speed. Did a lot of agility. Did a lot of lateral movement. Lot of explosive stuff to get quicker, faster, move around a little bit better.”

    ‘DID A LOT OF SPEED’

    Aha.

  4. i believe we owe it to jeter to find out which direction the herpes is flowing. is he doling it out, or is he just a victim of the larger timberlake phenomenon? i demand answers. and a more visually-intensive flow chart.

  5. What drivel–this is just pure Bullshit. It’s a pity that there are fools out there whose sole purpose is to try to smear any and all. That they have a forum for it makes it even sadder. absent ANY proof, one should just shut the hell up.

  6. [...] Yankee’s Derek Jeter Posted by Acrylic Sports on December 1st, 2009 New York Yankee’s player, Derek Jeter, is probably one of the best baseball players to ever play the game.  Derek Jeter has been a role [...]

  7. [...] Sports reporting and the Overemphasis on Unimportance 09/16/2010 // 0 They say, we think, that baseball is ninety-nine percent mental and the rest of it is physical.  Something like that anyway.  In a way, Derek Jeter proved the rule as he admittedly faked getting hit by a pitch in Wednesday night’s game between the New York Yankees and the Tampa Bay Rays.  It was no doubt a smart move on his part.  It took some Jim Carey-esque girations to sell it, which utilize all of his physical attributes. The ball actually hit the butt of Jeter’s bat, which would have resulted, if called correctly, in a weakly hit ground ball out at worst, a foul ball at best (an aside, I just googled “Derek Jeter” and a suggested search was “Derek Jeter herpes”.  Bizarre). [...]

  8. I’m now not sure the place you’re getting your info, but great topic. I needs to spend a while finding out more or figuring out more. Thanks for fantastic information I was on the lookout for this information for my mission.

  9. Herpes for a Yankee Hall Of Fame lock. Another hurdle dealt with
    by this superstar. Another great Yankee always rode in the saddle
    bareback, but always checked the cave he planned to enter.
    The Yankee Clipper impaled as many fair maidens as any Yank
    preceding or succeeding him.
    After a relaxing dinner and a few bourbons, Joe would run a litany
    of names who he had impressed and impaled as a swordsman
    nonpareil.

  10. I wouldnt doubt it. Herpes is the most common STD out there.

  11. You cannot keep having sex with all those groupies. And not catch some std .a large percent of blks have herpes so I wouldn’t count derek out

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